He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
