Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
