this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
