Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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