I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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