Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Randomize
