Midget sex pt 2 tonight
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Randomize
