it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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