The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
