Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
