you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
