So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
