He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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