She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
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