I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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