Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Are we still banned from the library?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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