I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
She needs sedatives and a leash
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
