my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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