I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
