last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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