The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
