Texts From Last Night

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  (773): View more from Illinois

  My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.

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  (773): My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas. http://tfl.nu/zv1j
  Replies (1) Good night (605) Bad night (890)
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows

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  (480): I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows http://tfl.nu/5bqe
  Replies (21) Good night (6052) Bad night (684)
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  (845): View more from New York

  Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.

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  (845): Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science. http://tfl.nu/ee2g
  Replies (20) Good night (6992) Bad night (673)
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.

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  (330): Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley. http://tfl.nu/14i4
  Replies (16) Good night (1142) Bad night (5152)
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.

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  (205): Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga. http://tfl.nu/3ybq
  Replies (13) Good night (4875) Bad night (912)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.

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  (617): I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B. http://tfl.nu/c1l3
  Replies (4) Good night (1130) Bad night (2831)
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?

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  (540): casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks? http://tfl.nu/0uf1
  Replies (16) Good night (2383) Bad night (1352)
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?

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  (715): you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question? http://tfl.nu/kzcn
  Replies (11) Good night (1277) Bad night (737)
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  (254): View more from Texas

  He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.

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  (254): He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy. http://tfl.nu/6702
  Replies (12) Good night (659) Bad night (2082)
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  (805): View more from California

  There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.

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  (805): There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight. http://tfl.nu/4wk1
  Replies (6) Good night (472) Bad night (895)
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.

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  (708): Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good. http://tfl.nu/6ter
  Replies (12) Good night (662) Bad night (447)
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.

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  (706): He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex. http://tfl.nu/pzxj
  Replies (5) Good night (1795) Bad night (342)
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  (650): View more from California

  So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.

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  (650): So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer. http://tfl.nu/8gu5
  Replies (5) Good night (600) Bad night (297)
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.

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  (520): Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband. http://tfl.nu/8kmu
  Replies (2) Good night (283) Bad night (608)
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?

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  (586): How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk? http://tfl.nu/j1yp
  Replies (2) Good night (1121) Bad night (203)

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