Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
