How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
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