They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
