Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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