Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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