you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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