guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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