How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Randomize
