he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
