I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
