I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
