I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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