I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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