Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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