i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
