Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
