Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
