dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
