He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
