Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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