I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
