Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
