dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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