the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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