i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
