You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
