I wish I could punch you in the face.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
