Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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