Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
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well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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