is your mom at the bar?
Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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