He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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