I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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