can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
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Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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