So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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