Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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