My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
